this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
