Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
