there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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