I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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