I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So squirting runs in the family.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
