i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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