it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
