Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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