YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
