I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
