I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Randomize
