it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
