Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We're too hungover to prance.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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