this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
