i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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