I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
this boner is exhausting
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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