Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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