I cannot find my penis.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
