evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
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We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
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Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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