if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
