i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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