quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
