do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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