My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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