i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
