I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
