I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
