FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
