We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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