it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
