Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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