Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
