he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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