His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
