So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
