i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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