I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
this is an emotional support booty call
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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