My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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