She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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