woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
