I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize