My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just had sex on a roof
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
