and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
