Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
