DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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