Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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