Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
