ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
