I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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