I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
