Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
