Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
