vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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