She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
