look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
