Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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