Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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