Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
